Domestic Adoption - Designated/Identified Adoption Program

Designated Adoption Stories

Six plus years ago my wife, Kari and I decided to start our family. For us we decided to choose open adoption. The process is quite simple, yet exhausting. We put together a profile of who we are and entered it into a book that birth mothers, and sometimes birth fathers, look at and try to decide who they want to parent their child. From there a relationship is formed, it is a relationship that develops with time. There are no two scenarios that are exactly the same. Both the adoptive parents and the birth parents work together and come to an agreement on what that relationship will be.

In our situation there are three women who are now a part of our family, they are birth mothers who, like any one of us, were faced with a tough decision and had to make a choice on what was best with the hand they were playing. I can speak from experience when I say that all three of these women are truly special in that they have chosen to give life and as a result experience pain for the betterment of their/our child.

There are many misconceptions in the minds of people when they hear the word adoption. Most people are interested in the process but are not quite sure how to ask certain questions and that is quite natural. I too was as guilty as anyone in the beginning for being uneducated on the way adoption works. However, I have had the benefit of going to many trainings and seminars so I look at things a little different today. I don’t think adopting parents expect others to feel the way we feel, or do we expect anyone to have the passion about adopting that we have.

One of the most common questions adoptive parents get, and we got this a lot, is “aren’t you worried she (the birth mother) will change her mind?” The answer is yes, that does pass through your mind. We, just like any other expectant parent, tried not to dwell on the potential risks instead focusing on the positive aspects of our child’s birth

Along the way I have been asked many different questions, a favorite of mine is “don’t you want to experience the bond between father and child?” I can tell you that everyday that goes by I am more convinced that a bond between father and son or father and daughter is not just made by birth…it is fostered in time by the relationship a parent has with his or her child. It comes by being there day in and day out or sitting next to the bed when he or she is up all night with the flu. Bond is trust, love and respect all rolled into one.

When you look at the way families are today, it is tough to find a family who has not been touched in some way by adoption. In the not so distant past, adoption was something people didn’t talk about. Most were closed adoptions and families had no idea who was who. I have yet to meet an adopted child that at some point doesn’t have some want to know about their birth family. That is why Kari and I believe in openness. We can’t help but believe that the more people who love our child the better off he or she will be. I guess in some respects I agree with Hillary…it takes a village. I just want that village to be well informed.

For us this is our life, we see it as any family sees their own life, and it is normal to us. We are blessed to have three wonderful little kids, Brooks who is 6 1/2 years old, Ashley 5, and the baby of the family, AJ who just turned two. They sleep, eat, and play as any other child would, heck they even are naughty once in a while.

When I actually get a quiet moment, I think a lot about how my family has come together and I realize society has a different definition for what it sees as a normal family. But I also realize that society judges people everyday (race, color, creed, etc.) and slots them into a myriad of categories. I don’t find this basic human need to categorize people and things as odd, it is what we humans do after all. I do, however, care about how my family feels -- and we feel normal.

Before I get off my soap box I wish to leave you with one more thought. It is my belief that birth mothers do not give up their children…they chose us to help parent them.

By Ross, Kari, Brooks, Ashley, and AJ